Ok..I’m just gonna say it… So, here goes…
I once was in an abusive and very toxic relationship. I wasn’t perfect. I got angry and said mean things…But I know I didn’t deserve what happened to me. And I think about it everyday. And I don’t think he does. I would actually bet money that he doesn’t think about it. Even though I have recurring flashbacks of the intense, abusive moments almost every single day.
I didn’t see a way out for awhile. I was caught up in the cycle of apologies and forgiveness. I wanted to be able to love him. But the relentless verbal assaults were exhausting. So much so that I would be driven to collapse into bed for hours with no words left to give to my own voice because all I could hear was his cacophony of the barrage of words that echoed loud and bounced back and forth relentlessly across the lonely rooms of my own head and heart. I became paralyzed. And looking back, I can see that that was his way of manipulation and control. Then, the moments of public humiliation, and then the physical assaults, such as being chased, locked out of my own home while crying on the phone to my father for help, pushed, pinned to the bed and screamed at, having my phone taken and held hostage, screamed at so loud to get out of a moving vehicle that my eardrum burst, being told no one would ever love me if I left him, among other physical examples, became too frequent to withstand. Deep down, I knew I was worth more, despite him drilling into me the exact opposite at times.
I was lost. But I started to listen. To myself. To my inner, most courageous and vulnerable self. And I told Me to run.. run as fast and run as far away as possible. I knew that even though I was scared to be alone and scared of what people would think of me, I had to be free to find a better life. That this was not living. My advice to you reading this letter is to trust your gut and believe in your worth as a beautiful human being. No one deserves abuse and there are others out there who can help you to get out. My only regret is that I wish I had told more people sooner and I wish I had left earlier. I’m thankful to say that I’m finding happiness now and this letter is only a glimmer of what I experienced. But I want you to know that you are not alone, and that If I can leave with my head held high, so can You…
xo Anna
33 Responses
Hey! This post could not be written any better!
Reading through this post reminds me of my good old room mate!
He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this
post to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read. Thank you for sharing!
I felt that in a way of my mental health is abuse. Using my weakness and vulnerability for being here with my father. I haven’t have a dream for myself. Living with my family freely is a dream. Being controlled and caged. Ruining my dream. I’ve may be weak as a woman because of the superiority of men. You think. But I’ll show you what can women can do. And I’ll make build my dreams stronger than your point of view. My life, my story and my pencil to tell.
Bravery makes women stronger than they look. Inspiring warrior you are Anna Camp.
Hello Anna! you are so brave and strong for share this. You are helping a lot of people including me to share my story and write a letter , I admire you and Brittany so much because you guys are so brave and strong for share your story with all of us! I admire both of you so much! I love your beautiful friendship and you have a beautiful and huge heart and soul! thank you so much for share your story and help a lot of us! you are so special and important! I love you so much and I send you lots of love!!
Hello Anna, you are so Brave and strong for share this,and really you guys are helping a lot of people including me to share my story and write a letter, I admire you and Brittany and your friendship so much! And I love you so much! You are helping a lot of people by sharing your history! I send you lots of love!! ♥️♥️
dear Anna
you may never see this, but I wanted to thank you.
Two years ago I went through things very similar to what you went through, only that the thing reached a level where I had lost all the people in my life, my family, friends. And each day gets a little worse. But then I saw this, and for the first time in 3 years I felt that I had a chance, that I could survive. and yesterday I sought help for the first time. I’m scared to death. But I thank you, even if you don’t know me, you helped me more than there are words to thank.
but thank you
So much
Well shit… sweetheart. I don’t know how to say it but thank you. The strength you found here took me 16 years to find, and I am still struggling to hold onto it. I want you to know that no matter what, you are 100% worth it and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. People can be very manipulative and it hurts so bad that you can cry yourself to sleep. However, that’s okay to feel that…you’re human and unique. Nothing, they say can change that. You don’t know me but I want to know you inspire me. Your example, your life helped me make the biggest decision in my life. Whether I wanted to be happy & content with who I am. Or live in a place that makes you feel like you are constantly living a lie, that you need to hide, no one will ever love you. I chose happiness. I’m glad you did too. So sorry for ranting but you inspire me. So keep doing what you are doing and smile. Take it one day at a time and know I am somewhere out there cheering you on. So are so many other. We love you.
Hi, Anna Camp! I’m crying while reading this. I haven’t gone through the same experience but I realized that we think we regret some things and decisions we’ve made which hurt us all the more, but it’s all part of the process. You wouldn’t be as strong as you are now, sharing this story which empowers a lot of people, had it not happened. Thank you for sharing your story. May you continue to inspire more people. You and Britt and your friendship are an inspiration to many. Love you guys!
This is heartbreaking to read because it sounds so much like a story I have. I appreciate you writing this. Although I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone, I have to be grateful for it. As a silver lining, it makes me appreciate my now husband so much more and I wonder if I would if I would never have met true assholeness before him. And it re assures me that I did the right thing and followed my gut and got out. I’m grateful for that stupid awful time in my life because it made me stronger and showed me what real love is NOT. I’m so thankful for my husband everyday. A true soul mate and partner and if I had to go thru the shit I’ve had to go thru all over again just to find him, I would do it. Thank you Anna.
Reading this sounds like I could have read it! I experienced very similar abuse and physical once. It’s hard to leave when you’re in it but one day while being yelled at and called horrible names I realized I had to leave. So brave of your to share!! Xoxo
I just want to thank each and every one of you for sharing your stories and for your support and kindness. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone too. We just need to talk about it because we are all more similar than we even know. Sending so much love your way! ❤️ Xo Anna
Hi Anna Camp you are so brave being able to share a story like this. You inspire me so much and I wish you all the best in the future x
Thank you for being so brave and sharing this with us, Anna. I was in a toxic relationship too, which ended about a year ago. I wasn’t perfect either, far from it, but I know neither you nor I deserved to go through what we did. I think about the things that happened still to this day and just like you said, I would bet money that she doesn’t think about it.
It takes a lot of self-love and courage to get out of a situation of abuse and especially to heal from that, and to see you come out of it with a head held high is beautiful and inspiring and so moving.
Thank you so much for being you and existing. Thank you for telling us your story. Thank you for giving hope. We love you <3
I experienced severe verbal abuse as a child growing up. People think that if there aren’t any bruises it’s not abuse. But it is. It is. What people don’t understand is that verbal abuse can be 100 times worse than physical. Words stay in your head for a lifetime. They are always there. They are a constant reminder and battle you have to face everyday to not give in to it. To not give into the fear that those words put inside your heart. To not give into them and give them power. Maybe one day I can find the courage to write about it. Not right now tho. It’s still too painful to remember let alone right about. I’m too lonely and still trying to fight it.