Dear September,
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I have live in fear all of my life. In this moment I am grateful for a chance to share my story, in hope that I can be the light for someone who may be feeling alone, scared, sad or just plain stuck. At a very early age, I was forced to grow up faster than God probably had planned for me. I think I was eight years old when I was at a sleepover with a friend I barely knew. We filled the evening with laughing and dancing and when the day turned into night her older brother had different plans. At 8 years old I was put in a situation that most little girls would never experience. But by the grace of God, I was able to escape the attic we were all in and walk home in the pitch black back to my camp. I knew my screaming saved me from the unimaginable. And even though I was never taken advantage of that night, the experience of the possibility left a scar on my innocent heart forever. I remember walking home while the birds still slept and the dew dripped off each leaf as my spirit walked by. I made a promise to myself and God that day, that I was never to speak of this to anyone. And 30 years later, as I write this letter, this is the first time anyone has heard me share.
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From that day forward, I was forever changed. My innocence was gone. I learned how to suck down my emotions. I learned how to protect my inner self and even more so how to protect my family from knowing the truth for fear it would cause them pain, if I showed any ounce of pain or sadness. This cycle went on and on throughout my life. God handed me many challenges, one right after the other and each and every time I hid. I stayed hidden. It was my safe place. My escape was to laugh, party, be the “fun one”. No one was to know how much suffering I was really going through. As the years went by this silent struggle turned into massive panic attacks, obsessive thoughts, lost sleep, silent breakdowns, overwhelm, massive anger at times.There were times I thought I was crazy. That something was wrong with me.

Why can’t I ask for help? Why can’t I find true peace and joy?
Anything that was thrown my way in life, just seemed so difficult to manage. In college I was kidnapped and drugged, all the while managing to keep it hidden from absolutely everyone. I was getting really good at this. So each event that happened for me from the next ten years on (I don’t have enough time to share it all) but I believe the hard times were a test. Perhaps these events were shaping me to who I am today. I was given so many chances to ask for help. SO many chances to free myself from this pain. All my life events just piled right on top of one another. I had so many chances to heal. So many chances to scream that I was sad. So many chances to be honest that I was hurting. But each and every time I was presented yet another difficult battle to overcome and because I was a trained pro at hiding it all, I still ignored Gods wink to heal and overcome my silent battle.
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It took me thirty years to write this letter. I have lived in fear being a police officer’s daughter, wife grand daughter and niece. I feared God would take my children from me. I feared everyone around me that they too would hurt me or leave me. I’d find anything to prove that I was right and they were hurting me. I feared absolutely everything. Which just created more and more silent anxiety. One day, I stumbled upon a quote “I have been fighting since I was a child. I am not a survivor. I am a warrior” It was as if God had had enough with me ignoring his cues to overcome, move on and stop letting my anxiety, my worry, all of my fears keep me from becoming the woman he put me here to be. After I read that, I remembered another quote that said, “Today is the day I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace.” I share that I with you because the most important thing we will ever do is to forgive. Forgive ourselves. It is not our fault. We are not strange, weird, or crazy.
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Once I realized that my past was holding me back (through tons of meditation, prayer, journaling and reading others stories. I was able to build up my own bravery, my own strength against the fear I had carried with me for years, who had become my best friend. I knew I didn’t want my children to see a mama who never told her truths. Or a mama that taught my babies that they to, should hide. Play small. Accept fear. No. There was no way I was going to keep my past from holding me back. Once I dove into my early morning meditations, and journaling I was able to become untangled. I faced many tough memories which brought on more anxiety but I knew if I could just get through it, my story might help one person. That was enough to keep forging ahead.
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Through meditation I was able to go back to that little girl. She met me at our favorite spot. A huge green pasture with wildflowers all around us. I apologized for leaving her behind. I apologized for growing up to fast and completely forgetting her. She held my hand and said, “I am so glad your home. I missed you.” My little inner girl came home. This was a pivotal moment for me, and I knew right then and there my life’s work had just begun.I hope you know that no matter what battle you are going though. I see you. You are loved. You don’t have to be afraid. I hope you know that God loves you. I hope you know that you love you. Everything you are facing can certainly be hard to untangled and move on from. Just try. And take one small step every day to forgive. To love more. To honor this one life we get. And mostly, remember you are loved.“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.”-briggitte nicole
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Xo Lauren

LAUREN