Don’t grow out of your joy: From Lee

Dear September

Well – it’s actually July – in the south – but it’s after midnight and not so hot I can’t comfortably sit on my patio w a cigar and my thoughts.

So here goes …

I came across September Letters in a weird way. I am in the middle of a recording project, and I am so prone to procrastinating that I have yet to even hook up my new interface. I needed motivation. I love the PP movies and find them as motivating for my music as Rocky is for me when I need to go back to the Gym – seems I’m always going “back”to the Gym – cuz I am inconsistent – so I binged them again only this time I ended up in a puddle on the floor. I’ve never had that reaction before. What had me ugly crying was that those films brought me back to my 20s and 30s in such a nostalgic and yet bittersweet way that it led to a deluge of emotion. (So much for laying tracks)

The depth of friendship in the movies is a lot of what drew me to them – the music and hilarity notwithstanding. I missed that camaraderie I had back then. I gathered myself and did an inventory and realized I was missing me. I missed the open hearted, deeply sensitive, overly affectionate confused mess I used to be. Not all of that – but the part of me that could be vulnerable and close and not cringe at hugs etc.

I talk to God a lot – Jesus is my sounding board. I hope no one judges me for that or assumes I will judge anyone. It’s been a tough decade to be open about that. Anyway – I asked him what the deal was. I don’t feel lonely – I feel God’s love for me – but not much else. The realization that came to me was that I don’t feel much anymore. I love – but guarded. I’ve been too long protecting myself.

I am single – always have been – and I’m actually good with it. I know me and I like my solitude and freedom. I’m also turning 65 in September. (I realize most of the letters here are going to be from younger people- full of the wonderful messy terrifying challenges of those years – and how awesome is this site for giving place to everyone to tell their stories.)

Anyway – as I lay sobbing on my carpet that smelled a little too much like wet dog – over the realization that I was missing the crazy wonderful friendships I had in those years – and that I had changed – a lot – and missed myself – I started to watch some YouTube clips of interviews w PP cast members. I felt that the on screen chemistry was too good just to be acting and wanted to confirm that – and I think I did it as a distraction too – but I came across Love is Louder, and some videos talking about September Letters (more ugly crying). I think it’s utterly brilliant. I’m sharing here after reading the book.

Sorry for the long prolog. During my 20-40+ years I had some wonderful friends that helped me thru those crazy early adult decades – and 2 of them are still closer than family to me.

Some things that caused my shut down came from the fact that I did love deeply and expressively – and I was wildly misread and accused falsely of some horrible things as a result. I was a mess for real – but I was not the things I was accused of being. It happened in my church actually at the hands of some people I trusted. It threw my music into free fall. I put it down for awhile. The worst thing that happened was I began to shut down. I pulled my affection for others way back.

I moved out of state – failed to make friends here – failed to sustain a couple dating relationships – gave up on romance altogether. (It never really worked for me anyway. Maybe another letter will help unpack that?)

Before I closed off completely, I did end up in a toxic very close friendship – not physically abusive but a lot of gas lighting and verbal manipulation – a lot of love bombs and then what felt like actual bombs. The thing that was weird was that it wasn’t a guy – it wasn’t a romantic relationship – it was a deep but probably codependent friendship with someone who was dealing with PTSD from years of abuse. On her third divorce w 3 kids to care for (who I loved like my own) – she needed support and help – and I was there. I was not prepared for the twisted results of not knowing how to set my own boundaries. That was on me.

Anyway – thru prayer and my bffs and books and therapy – I began to change and not give in to the gaslighting. when her (our) youngest (14) went to live w his sociopathic dad full time – just before COVID- she disappeared. They had lived w me off and on. The on times were when she needed help, support, free child care – and the off times were when she took off because her abuse could not get me to agree with her about how awful I was. I tend to blame myself for everything but I was healing and seeing more clearly – therefore I was not as easily controlled. Over the 9 years this went on as I helped her raise her teens and little one – I learned to set boundaries – but became hardened – closed off – disconnected from my feelings. She moved out the last time – without telling me she was doing that or mentioning where she was going to be. By then it was a relief. It left me unwilling to trust or form any new bonds – guarded and emotionless (which is a buzzkill for a songwriter) I escaped into work, the beach, gigs – TV. My relationship with God suffered, I wasn’t even sharing this w my 2 as I should have. Working on that …

Now it’s 2023 and I’m retired and working w a writing partner and his sweet family (6 kids and counting) – and doors are really opening. (Thus the recording I was to work on). (He is actually texting me now to find out when the tracks will be done)

So – the PP marathon – sob session – and media troll led me here … and to one of those wishing I could go back to those days (and my 30 yr old body) … but with some maturity this time. Wishing is a waste of brain space. Time to take inventory and see if I can learn to open up, be vulnerable and brave like all of you here – and find more connections. I’m deciding to be open and not afraid. I needed that kick in the pants to stop hiding in my introverted solitude.

Here is what I will say to myself now – to all of you under – well – 65 – especially you in your 20s, 30s, 40s … Don’t do what I did. Don’t close up, don’t “cave” too long, take your solitude when you need it but don’t live there. See the future as a wonderful adventure because – things change!

More old person advice (to me mostly):

1. Set boundaries because your heart is just as important. Don’t let anyone who treats you like your heart doesn’t matter or your hurt isn’t real, into or stay in, your inner circle. It won’t help either of you.
2. Do hold on – make effort – prioritize – the friends you have who support and believe in you. Don’t allow successful careers or responsibilities cause you to lose touch with those friends. Love them fiercely. Don’t let them forget you are there either. See them when you can. Text them about your day at random moments. Stay connected. You have decades of wonderfulness coming with them.
3. Stay open to new connections. Keep being fearless. Get whatever help you need.
4. Remember these times when you’re young and cherish them. Not because life is slipping away, but because every new adventure is just better when you have those beautiful friends to share your joy.

And to me – repeat this – no matter what you’ve been thru – you will get thru. Things will get better, you will learn and gain tools, and you will have more tests in life. You will love- and lose- and grieve- and grow.

Surround yourself with love and support – and go for the successes. (You’re not too old)

For you all – Don’t wait til retirement to chase your dreams. Your true friends will support you no matter what. Love them. Let them love you back. Grow and get wiser but don’t allow that to stop you from being the wild crazy fun emotional creative messy you- just responsibly. Don’t fear loss or sorrow – it happens to us all in some way – lean into it and be helped – it can make us strong. And …

Don’t grow out of your joy.