High Hopes: From Anon

This year has been a tough one. I’ve watched family members die, I’ve been isolated from everyone I care about, I contracted covid-19 over the summer, and I’ve been traumatized and physically wounded from my volunteer work as a street medic at major protests in my city.

Some days I feel resilient, and I crush the day. I’m productive at my job, I’m good at keeping up with family and friends, and I unwind in the beautiful city park next to my apartment after work.

Some days I wake up from nightmares of my worst experiences, drag myself into my home office, and try not to cry while I stare at a blank computer screen.

But, those days are getting further and further apart. Over the summer, every day was a cycle of miserable depression, but I can finally enjoy things again, and I’m getting my focus back.

Music, friendship, and my cat have all kept me going. My favorite band dropped a new album this year, and I know it sounds silly, but that’s what got me through this awful summer. I’d put that album on repeat after work, sit in my sunroom, and just breathe deeply and it felt like everything would be ok.

I’m establishing healthy routines again. I’m not drinking like I was in March, and I’m getting way better at getting myself up and ready to go in the mornings, and winding down at night to fall asleep.

I’ve gotten back into an old hobby of mine – videography – and making short clips and videos has been so much fun! It gives me something to look forward to when I’m stuck inside.

I’m an extrovert. I miss parties and bars and sporting events and get togethers in large groups of friends. I don’t know how or when life will be able to resume as we knew it, or if it ever will, but I’m learning how to be comfortable in this endless cycle of uncertainty and disruption.

I’m looking for the good in an otherwise bad world at the moment, and I’m so proud of myself for pulling myself out of the worst depression I have ever experienced. I’m in counselling now, which was scary and hard for me to initiate, but it feels so good to be getting the help I need to feel like myself again.

I have high hopes going into the fall. I love cool weather, autumn colors, and bonfires in the yard at night. I know we can all get through this together. I know it will some day feel ok again, like the world isn’t collapsing at every moment. I don’t know when it’ll be, but, one day, it’ll all be okay, and I have hope that we can work together to make it happen.