Why LGBTQ+ Community Advocate and Therapist Earl C. Martin Jr. Says It Requires “a Different Kind of Sight” 

Last fall, Earl C. Martin Jr. posted the following on his Instagram: “No one should have ownership over your worth but you.” It is a simple statement that holds life-shifting power. “This comes up in my session so often with my clients,” says Martin, a licensed clinical therapist who focuses on trauma. “They feel that their fuel is based on the opinions of someone else. It made me actually sit one day and think: Why is your self-worth so contingent on someone else?”

Martin’s sentiments illuminate a startling reality: So many of us base our self-worth, which is an internal knowing of being worthy of love, acceptance, and respect, on external factors. Yet self-worth need only be fueled by one source: ourselves. Sadly, in today’s media-fueled world, honoring our self-worth can be incredibly hard to do. We’re addled by a pressure to compare. Media perpetuates the notion that someone else’s approval makes us valid. And study after study shows the link between upticks in social media use to lower self-worth and increased anxiety.

So what can we do? If we’re surrounded by messages telling us to seek outside validation, how can we shift inward? We spoke to Martin to help us find the light. As he says, “When you’re truly being intentional and recognizing your self-worth, it requires you to have a different type of sight. It allows you to pause and think: I should be doing things that are making me happy and not on what everyone else is doing.”

A Conversation with Earl C. Martin Jr. 

Why is it critical to not let anyone “own” your self-worth?

Because if someone has ownership of your self-worth, you’ll never be happy. You will never really feel like you’re doing something for yourself because it’s all contingent on what someone else says, or it’s contingent on their approval or their praise.

You’ve said that many clients in your practice base their self-worth on others. What in our society causes this?

When we’re growing up, we go off the ideas of others. We think: This is what people want for us. They want success for us. Sometimes those people might define what success looks like for us—until we get to an age when we can think about it for ourselves. As our brains develop, we begin to recognize, I want to do this for me. But oftentimes, society does not leave us equipped to listen to that voice. Society instead says: Your self-worth is equal to this or equal to this amount. And you’re not doing this, you’re not worthy. Or if you haven’t achieved this level, you’re not successful and therefore not worthy.

For me, I’ve had plenty of times in my life where I thought by this age, I need to be doing this. But these timelines set us up. What is so strange is that we’ll often create this life plan, we’ll say by 25 or by 35 or by 30 I need to be doing this. But we’re not even that same person when we get to those ages. So if I’m changing as I age, shouldn’t my plan change also? But it often doesn’t because it was created by someone else. I have seen clients who have the career and have the house and the life, but they’re not happy because they’re not leaning into their full selves.

What does healthy self-worth look like?

Healthy self-worth includes having balance and grace. This means that you recognize that you are human and you have many parts to you, some you love and some you may not like. It is about recognizing that everybody has flaws and everybody has amazing parts to them. When you can recognize both and you are able to talk about them and recognize the duality of you, that’s healthy self-worth. That shows that you are loving and recognizing all parts of yourself. This is important because when we only recognize the good about us or the bad about us, we’re not practicing self-worth. Because we’re human and complex. This doesn’t mean you’re not working on growth and the things about yourself you want to change.

How can we shift this and learn to honor our self-worth from within?

First, I practice what I call the act of pause. The act of pause is simply sitting still and not allowing my thoughts to hijack me. This is sitting and allowing your thoughts to be fully expounded versus allowing them to be quick, quick, quick, rapid, and now they’re hijacking you. And when that happens, suddenly you’re talking down to yourself or coming up with a plan of what you think is going to get you to a goal that is a goal you don’t even want. So, practice the pause.

Also, talk to your people. When I say talking to people, I mean surrounding yourself with and talking to the people that uplift you, that support you, that truly care about you, and who know you the most. These are the people you can really talk about things with. Talking about it helps with shame. Sometimes we feel a lot of shame if we haven’t achieved something. And if we don’t talk about it, it just gets heavier and heavier and it feels like a weight. When you talk about it, it takes that pressure off. Oftentimes, you’ll also find that everybody else compares themselves, too. So being able to talk about it where it’s not taboo allows that pressure to go away and it allows you to get validation from those who care about you.

Finally, pause and look at the facts. Sometimes we tend to not look at the facts and we go off fiction. Look at the facts of the moment by asking yourself: Are you a good person? Do you feel like you’re putting good into the world? Are you causing harm to anyone? Are you enjoying your life? Don’t look at the what-ifs. Look at the facts and who you truly are. 

You primarily work with LGBTQ+ people of color. Is there an aspect of self-worth work that is important for this population to know?

I’ve seen so many of my clients who are of that population, and people in my community, who have told what their worth was and what their value was their entire life. They’ve been told that parts of them are wrong. So often they’re healing their inner child that thinks or has been told that they’re not supposed to be doing that or feeling this or being this type of person. There are so many messages, so much trauma, that sticks from childhood. And when they have that narrative of being wrong, it creates that internal dialogue of having to be perfect.

Now it’s about doing the work and recognizing, I’m amazing. I’m bright. I’m the sun. I’m everything I’m supposed to be. I love that there are now a lot of books and shows that are showing the LGBTQ+ experience. We still don’t have a lot of representation, but it’s changing. I’m so happy shows are being directed or written by people that are telling their story and showing that little boy or girl or that non-binary individual: Look, this is who I am. When you have someone that you can look up to it makes you feel that you can do anything.

Earl C. Martin Jr., LCSW, is a licensed clinical therapist, podcaster, and empowerment speaker in North Carolina. He is the owner and creator of Innate Virtue Counseling. Martin strives to aid those achieve the best version of themselves by enhancing their skills to break through their barriers. With his passion and background in helping individuals deal with traumatic experiences, particularly those who are in the African American community and LGBTQIA+ community, his approach to therapy is a combination of experiential, cognitive behavioral therapy, narrative theory, solution-focused, mindfulness, and empowerment. To learn more visit earlmartinlcsw.com and his Instagram @earlmartinlcsw.