I am Human: From Anonymous

Dear September,

For the first time in 27 years I have become completely unhinged at the scenes. I have cried today for the first time in God knows how long. I shed tears here and there watching things like the notebook (I am a girl, overall) but this is straight ugly crying.

An event that shaped my life and will always shape my life is the death of my father. The death of my father is something that shaped my life right from 4 years old. It changed the way that I viewed the world, and myself. My father passed when I was 15, but my mom left him around 4. She left him because at the time he was very sick and was not being a responsible parent. About a year later we learned that he had a rare degenerative disease and he would suffer greatly until he passed away.

My entire life I have done nothing but people please, try and get people to like me, try and get men to love me. I have been strong my entire life and finally I am at the point where I don’t want to feel strong anymore. I want a break. (no I am not suicidal). I just finally am at the point where I don’t want to be strong anymore.
I pushed through everything in my life with fervor. I pushed through high school and worked 3 jobs because I grew up relatively poor and if I wanted things, I had to work for it. I pushed through college at the top of my class, and I got my masters degree at the top of my class as well. I am in a field that I love, but again, I am at the point where people see me as so capable that they don’t even stop and realize that I am human. And I cant do everything for everyone all of the time.

I started trauma therapy. While I have never been abused per say I experienced a lot of early childhood trauma that again has been catching up with me. I tried therapy once and it didn’t work. And I tried therapy again this second time and I found a good therapist who has really been able to help me confront my feelings.
I think that’s maybe why I am so sensitive right now. I am finally dealing with the deep abandonment issues that I have had for many years. Abandonment is definitely at the root of any depression and anxiety that I feel. And now that I am finally face to face with probably the largest self demons I have ever encountered, it is taking its toll on my mental health.

My abandonment issues have put me in emotionally abusive relationships that have not met my needs and always left me hung, dry, confused, and feeling not good enough. I have been doing a lot of work on myself over the past year but I am still working through the deep self worth and abandonment issues that drives my poor relationships, poor self esteem, and lack of self love.

I took the day off of work today to just sit and be with myself. I realized that I need to set better boundaries at work, in my relationships, and with myself. I realized that what is significantly lacking in my life is balance. I have almost no balance. I don’t even know where to start with balance but I know that that is the issue.
Growing up with the world on your shoulders is tough. And I think that I always feel like no one truly can ever understand me or what I’ve been through. I want to be seen and to be vulnerable, but I fear that I am too much and people really wont understand.

Today is a hard day. Therapy is hard. I am still hopeful that I can heal, and I have been healing but I am now really dealing with the root of my issues and intense deep emotional wounds of unworthiness. And it is a lot.
To anyone reading this whose had the world on their shoulders their entire lives- I understand you. And I hope you know and can figure out how to love yourself. I know its hard. But its really the only way. And it starts with really looking in the mirror and diving deep into the deep wounds we all have. We are all human, all worthy of love, we simply have to unweave the trauma that we have experienced in our lives in order to learn how to live a life full of purpose and meaning, rather than self sacrifice.

Thanks for listening <3