Share Your Feelings: From Kim

Hi there readers!
My letter turned out to be a longer one than I was aiming for…So I decided it would be best if I could bring it back a bit at my first attempt to submit something. I brought it back from the original four pages 😉 All right, here I go!

Others speak highly of my ability to always be there for one another and the capacity to see the positive side of a situation or life in general. My family and friends know how to find me, when they need to talk about things or when they just need a good time to relax and enjoy where life is taking them. All this is great and I feel privileged and thankful that I can bring comfort, joy and support for anyone who needs it. Yep… there’s a but coming.

But…despite the lovely people I’m surrounded by, there is an other side of me (or more specific within me) that only a few are familiar with. Because I know from experience that sharing equals caring, so I thought; wouldn’t it be great if I can help maybe only one other person around the globe by sharing a bit off my story. To be honest, I’m a bit nervous about doing this but also excited.
So, if anyone out there is experiencing anxiety, sadness or the feeling of never being good enough for yourself, maybe you can find some comfort in my story.

Most people have little voices inside their heads, which is great because they create a life path and can help with decision making or to complete goals. Quite positive right? Absolutely!
Unfortunately it is possible that such voice isn’t positive or as little anymore and grows louder and louder and becomes a voice full of negative and self-destructive thoughts. And when I wasn’t aware, they became a truth that I believed in. My own voice of reason became almost soundless and lost its strength.
From my own experience I know that the self-destructive feelings voiced in thoughts is something that’s a hard and tricky thing because it’s something that unconsciously grows. Just like slow growing weeds in the garden that you don’t even notice until the whole garden is full of it and it’s almost impossible to get rid of it. Then, your garden becomes a mess and the beautiful flowers that you picked are surrounded and overtaken by weeds everywhere. From then on you see the weed as an opponent with only one goal, defeat! I’ve had my fair share of ‘fights’ with my own metaphorical weeds but in the beginning I didn’t even know that I was in a so called ‘fight’.

All ready at a young age I found myself being concerned about other people. Whether it was an elderly man trying to cross a busy road, a classmate who was being bullied or my dad who was dealing with his own battles. Everywhere I went I’d always be aware of my surroundings, the people that where there and the ambience I was in.
My concerns, awareness of my surroundings, the home I grew up in and the personality I’ve got made me very sensitive of which step I thought that I could or couldn’t take. The sensitivity I have is something I’m proud of for several reasons (maybe I’ll write about that another time) but for me the combination with my high self-reflectiveness also has a downside. This downside is that it makes me uncertain of the things I do, say and even feel. Sometimes it’s this sensitive self-reflectiveness, that turns ‘against me’ and becomes a negative speaking voice inside of me. That’s the voice that is always around in the corner off my mind and will take every chance it gets to peak around and be heard. It tells me what I did wrong, why I’m so stupid, or in worse case that I’m a nobody. These are really hard things to stand up too and it did wear me down because it made me feel emotionally heavy, full off self-doubt, sad, vulnerable and sometimes angry at myself. I didn’t want to feel that way and I thought that I could make it go away if I could prove that negative voice of me that I was good enough. Indeed, I was fighting hard. I pushed myself to always be the best I could be in every aspect that a human being can be. Despite that… the voice inside me could always find a little gap and surprise me which would occasionally knock me off my feet.
Luckily I’m dealing with this better now so…on to the good bits 😉
Nowadays I know that this voice is only growing when I let it. It doesn’t control me like it did, I’m more in control of that voice. In fact, I can see something else beside it. Next to this voice of mine is a source filled with life-energy that is willing to burst free. The negative voice had a way to keep that source hidden from my own eyes to see. And now that I know the existence of my own life-energy source, it makes the negative voice not as big and powerful anymore. Do you remember the metaphor I used in the beginning, about these kind of thoughts that can be seen as weeds? Well, I learned along my way that it’s not necessary to fight the weeds. Fighting them only gives them more reasons to grow. Because in fighting is always something that can go wrong or be missed.
Besides that, sometimes weeds have nice colorful flowers that earn it to live, just as long as they don’t overtake my whole garden.

What I learned is to acknowledge the thoughts off self-destruct and learn to understand what the underlying message off that thought is. And at the same time I try to recognize it when I’m disconnected from my emotions and get too much inside my mind. This is of course an ongoing process for me. It still happens that I let myself slip and fall in old thinking habits. You know what they say, old habits die hard.

But in becoming the person I am today, I’m far more relaxed and almost trusting on my natural positive side. Maybe you’d like to know how I managed to create more calmness inside my head. Well, I can really enjoy being in just any kind of nature. It calms my mind and lifts my spirit. When I feel a bit down I sometimes just go out for a walk in my neighborhood and really look and listen what is there but will be missed if not paying attention to it. That’s really cool!
And there are at least three other things that really help me. I really like to be physically active. It can be on the race bike, play tennis, beachvolleyball or a simple walk. It makes me feel healthy and gives me confidence. And I know that my body signals or my body in general lets me know much better how I’m doing than words or my mind could say. So, staying connected with myself is important to me.
Another thing that I really enjoy and can’t live without is music. Music is always been a part of my life. The way music can relate to an emotion or how it can help to change my emotion when I want to is one off the best things there is. I love to sing on the top off my lungs, for excample in the car, even though I’m not the best singer. It just gives me a feeling of being (care)free.

Although it may seem as a simple hobby, for me things like gardening, drawing, building Lego, writing and learning to play the guitar are more important than probably anyone would think. These things really give me more than the noticeable outcome. Off course, it gives me even more inspiration to be creative but the main thing is that it gives me the chance to give my sole focus on just one thing and nothing else. And that aspect gives my brain a chance to relax because there’s not as much multitasking that needs to be done. Basically it’s a win-win situation! Relax the brain and I let the creativity come flowing free.

The third thing that really helps me to feel better is sharing. For many years I’ve been trying to be more open about my thoughts and feelings. The negative voice held me back but now that I’m experiencing what it allows me to gain when I share my emotions, I just know it’s something I’ll keep doing. I really couldn’t have given myself a more valuable thing by learning that sharing my anxiety, sadness, happiness or any feeling. Because it gives me a chance to check if my own thoughts are truly trustworthy or maybe irrelevant. But the main gift I give myself every time I share something with someone else, is that I gained much more support in my own battles. Which meant that friendships and bonds with my family became even closer and better than they already were. For me sharing really equals caring. It’s still a challenge to keep doing what I learned. So I keep on going with this because I feel much better by knowing that I don’t have to do it all alone.

So, if you read my letter know that your feelings and thoughts are definitely worthy to be listened too. I know how vulnerable it feels and that it’s super scary to take that first step but you can do it. At your own pace, just take it step by step and maybe it can help you to cope with thoughts and feelings as it did for me.

I hope that you can experience what I did, namely the growing ability to give yourself the support from others that you deserve.

I’m wishing everyone all the best!
Friendly greetings,

Kim