Dear September, What is the greatest gift in life?
All I ever wanted to be was good I was always known as the happiest person people know but yet I felt so small in this world and that “I am not allowed to be sad”, I have learned so far in life that life is a balance. There is a ton of bad that has happened in my life but a lot of good as well. Late 2018-2019 I gave up on life, I had the best week of my entire life I traveled to California for the first time and on my way back home I got terrible news, one of my friends took his own life he was only 15. I was only 17 not knowing how to deal with grief that well a week before I went to California someone else passed away in my extended family. The entire year of 2019 I GAVE UP on life, I went from a 3.2 gpa to barely graduating and almost failing every class. When things were finally starting to feel okay I got terrible news that someone really close in my family passed away. I lost three people within 5 months. I resorted to skipping school and getting high every single day, I thought to myself why? Why at such a young age do I have so much grief I have to deal with. I felt so alone and I am a person who really struggles to love themselves or reach out for help because I just never wanted to accept the reality life kept giving me. I felt so weak, lost, lonely and heartbroken. People swore they were there for me but after a month passed everyone’s lives went back to normal they showed their true colors I was crushed, all the teachers and counselors i talked too said “you have to find a new normal” i thought to myself how am I ever gonna find a new normal how can people just go on with their lives knowing someone isn’t here anymore. I cried a ton in the bathrooms, I usually never ever cry in front of anyone or in public, all my best friends had boyfriends they could always go to when they felt lonely, I never had one. Everyone was so worried about my future because you can’t really go anywhere if you have bad grades and dont wanna go to college as every adult would tell me but I was worried if I would even survive to see the next day. I was looked at as a loser just because I couldn’t find a way to get out of the pain I was in.
A quote that has really influenced me is:
“You know it’s true what they say, behind every great man is a strong woman.
“Oh I wouldn’t know, I’ve never stood behind a man.”
Fast forward, after graduating in 2019 I never felt so strong and unbreakable. All that pain and heartache I went through was all a learning process. I quit getting high and started focusing on getting my life more together and my passions. I still think about those who I lost but I know they are looking out for me. It’s funny because all my close friends who ignored me for their boyfriends broke up with them quickly after graduating. I have really taken time to self care and focus to myself. With those tough times I faced, I didn’t realize all three of them gave me the greatest gift I could ever receive in life and that is strength. I would always overthink and be so negative on myself but a great way to look at overthinking is, you are constantly striving to make yourself better. As a 19 year old now I have realized, don’t think every bad situation means its the end. In this life WE can do ANYTHING we set our minds too. Don’t let anyone ever tell you how you should feel, learn to love and care for yourself in the end you will need yourself the most. Though I still struggle with finding good friends and positive people I just want everyone to know there is always a way to go. I know 2020 has not been the best year but promise me, we will all keep fighting everyday is a new opportunity for something great to happen. We will get through this year, together.
Peace and Love.