You Are Worthy: From Anon

For those reaching, climbing, falling and fighting for their fullest potential in life, this is for you. For those who have experienced any ounce of trauma and continue to self-blame and ambush the beautiful life and existence that they live, this is for you, too. You are worthy. You are worthy of unconditional, selfish and kind love to yourself. You are capable of making it through difficult times, because who said life was meant to be “easy”. You are loved far more than the evil voices inside of you let you in on. You are worthy of giving yourself the time to heal, the time to expand your perspectives about life to be better for YOU, rather than listen to outside voices who want you to do or to think differently; to feel shame for what you believe in or maybe don’t believe in.
My life had started to seem like survival of the fittest when I was in high school. You know, mean girls, trying to fit in or maybe not fit in, trying to find your group and experimenting with what young love really meant and finding out, it’s a load of bull. My eating disorder developed and lasted 12 very long and miserable years. Ever had the feeling where you just aren’t good enough, like you have to be a certain person for others to enjoy your company, or maybe you need to put yourself out there, get more attention for those deep needs to be met, so that you don’t feel completely abandoned? I remember coming home from school and falling to the floor because I didn’t want to live anymore- heartbreaking core memory of mine. I was put into the hospital for a month due to the eating disorder and distorted thoughts. Half of it was my choice, half was my parents who finally came to realize, something isn’t right. The boy who I considered my first real love cheated on me, broke me to the core, was emotionally and verbally abusive and yet, I craved his love more than ever. Eventually I was able to come to terms, but to me, it wasn’t over. 2-3 years later, he died in a car accident. I went to the hospital to see him and couldn’t breathe. Even though we weren’t together, we were getting closer as friends and finally respecting each other. I finally forgave him. Now I see him all the time in my dreams.
Going into college, I thought, “wow, this is a new start for me. I’m away from all of those people who made my life a living hell. I can finally be myself.” Wrong. All of those deep needs traveled with me. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. All I knew was that I needed control of my body and my mind and would do anything to feel the sense of control. Little did I know, my life was completely out of control. Binging and purging, drinking too much, refusing to eat, drugs, sex, boyfriends who weren’t for me or who drove me to my worst, all of it. I wanted control when I was spiraling out of it. Again, I was put into the hospital, my choice. I think I needed to escape reality, or my reality. I was dying mentally and physically, too. This lasted for 3 years of my college career, until I finally met my now husband in a casino, of all places.
For years, I continued to struggle with life; finishing school, getting a job and enjoying it, having a plan, controlling my eating and thoughts were the biggest battle and really just finding who the hell I was. Finally it came to our wedding day, and we began to try for children. For 3 years we tried, and after 3 miscarriages, we knew something wasn’t right: here we go again…that sense of control, out the window. With PCOS and my left Fallopian tube closed, we began the fertility process. This is where I began to find my fullest potential; of all times, the hardest, most devastating time in my life was when I began to feel a real turn-around. Was it my age? Maybe, or maybe it was all of the loss, sorrow, failed attempts at life that got to me.
In the last year, I have put my foot down. I went as far as changing my phone number and only saving those who are worth my time and my energy. I rid myself of the toxins in which I felt hindered my overall growth and found delight in cooking and baking foods that I felt good about. I quit drinking and smoking (of all sorts), and I am trying to give myself love and kindness each day, whether it’s sitting outside for a bit or watching a funny movie, maybe even writing in my journal. I’d be lying if I said I don’t cry every single day, because we are now in the IVF process and have our transfer coming up, and let’s be honest, I’m TERRIFIED. Knowing that I overcame so much heartache and breaks before and rose above it, I know that I can do this, and you can, too. There is hope out there. There is some ounce of positivity even when the world seems to be crashing down in every “good” ounce of being in your life. Continue to be kind to yourself, to remind yourself that “this too shall pass”. Be strong and powerful in your thoughts and what is and is not rational ways of thinking, because we’ve all been there. Take the time to rid yourself of your toxins and when to say no. Do what makes you happy, because really, it’s up to you to produce your own happiness. You are better and bigger than your demons allow you to be. Rise up and LIVE. Xoxo.