How Are You, Really?: From Clarice

Hi
How are you? Like, really, how are you?
I was talking to a friend some days ago and I asked how she was doing. Her answer was “I’m fine… well kinda. I’m really emotionally tired […]”
This got me thinking. Why do we always say we’re fine? “I’m fine” is so automatic that even though we are really close friends and we talk about mental health stuff, the first thing she said was “I’m fine”.
Why do we always have to be okay? Or worst, pretend to be okay?
There is a saying that it is okay not to be okay. Simple, right?
Not really. It took me 2 years to deeply understand it. You may think 2 years is not much, but I’m 16. 2 years are 12.5% of my life. It is a long time to hurt myself because of it. 1 minute is long enough.
Okay, so now I know! Did it change my life? Yes. Am I 100% okay? No! And I don’t believe anyone is.
There are still times when I don’t want to be in this world, that I hate myself and/or that a eat so much I almost throw up. The thing is, now it is okay to feel this way because I know I’m still that happy little girl who was always hopping in the school and mostly because I know relapses happen and that they are part of the recovery.
I’m currently 24 days self harm free. My record is 54 days… my goal now it’s 2 months, then 6, then a year. I still have a long road ahead of me and so do you, don’t end it. We’re are going to go through it together.
I love you, whoever is reading this.
You make a difference in my life.
Thank you for still being alive