Dear September,
I’m here to remind you to keep fighting. Keep your faith, and persevere through the tough times towards brighter days. Because brighter days ARE coming. I promise you.
Up until around age 29 everything seemed SO difficult for me. Always. No matter how hard I worked, how hard I loved, no matter what I did, pure love and happiness just seemed so hard to achieve, so far out of reach. It most definitely began as a child. I grew up quite quickly in a home where my father over indulged in alcohol, and lost his temper quite often. I have always associated his alcoholism with my childhood, it is the root of my anxiety and somehow created this idea that when you are in a relationship with an addict you stand by them no matter what. And don’t get me wrong….sometimes you can through recovery. But sometimes if there’s no light … you can’t. I had my daughter at age 21. Her father had been in and out of jail and a struggling addict. All I ever wanted was my own family. I continued to tell myself to see it through, to give chances, and work towards helping him and “saving” my chance of a family with him and our daughter. After countless lies, stealing, spending all of our money on drugs, having to rely on my parents to have heat, or food for my daughter, I stood by him. Until I decided enough was enough. I finally decided to leave him when our daughter was 3. After a year of growth, finding work after being a stay at home mom, moving out of my parents (again) I finally started feeling great, and I started dating again.
I fell fast for a man who presented as sweet and loving. He even fooled my parents to be just what I needed, but not for long. After 8 months I moved myself and my daughter in with him. Not long after, I began 2 long years of verbal and physical abuse. He made me feel worthless, told me I was unlovable, he cheated on me and blamed me being hard to love as his reasoning. He talked down to me infront of my daughter, and always criticized my “too sweet, too loving” parenting style. He would change the locks on me and threaten me that I couldn’t get our belongings, then change his mind and “let us” come home. It was a roller coaster of fear, anxiety, and simply losing my identity. I couldn’t even tell you why I stayed for so long. I wish I hadn’t. Maybe it was fear of being alone? Fear of truly being unlovable? Fear of what he may try to do if I left? But one day my gut just told me we needed out, after months of saving I secretly moved out one day while he was at work and ran from him. He made many attempts to reach me, many attempts to talk to me. But after being weak for so long, I found strength in the eyes of my daughter. My gut was telling me, get her OUT of here before something bad happens in front of her. Get out of here before she thinks this is what “love” is.
Finally, 2 years later at age 30 I found peace. Peace with everything I had been through. Peace as a mom who’s daughter loved her unconditionally. Peace as a mom who’s daughter was SAFE. I took time to find myself. Listen to myself. Journal daily. And trust in my path. Then, in the most random chain of events the universe then brought me my love. A man who I had always known through highschool.. who came out of no where and showed me what love is. He is gentle and loving, sweet and funny. He jumped right into teaching my daughter, and gaining her trust and love. He is a patient and kind father to her, and now 4 years later she carries his last name. He is my husband, and the light at the end of a long dark tunnel. He reminds me constantly that I am lovable, that my mind and soul were meant to connect with his. Most of all he constantly reminds me that I am always loved, even on my hard days.
For a while I began to believe I wasn’t worthy of true love. That belief was a lie. I am here to remind you, that you are loved. That you are worthy of love, and that the fight you may be fighting won’t last forever. Please never accept abuse in any form. I promise you, you do NOT deserve it. Lean on those who love you, and run from what doesn’t serve your soul. And always believe in the path God has for you.
All of my love
– C