How to Share Your Grief Story with Authenticity and Kindness to Yourself

With the continued swell in social media engagement, it seems that every element of oneself is edited and tied together with a curated image. There’s an emphasis on sharing one’s story with authenticity, but what does that really mean? This quandary becomes harder to answer when your story is punctuated by loss. When grief seems like it takes center stage in your life, learning how to cope with it and share your story can feel daunting.

Feeling seen is something the bereaved often long for. As a result, those who have experienced loss will often seek out opportunities to be seen and heard. But this can result in an expensive emotional cost. For this reason, it is so important to listen to yourself as you grieve and as you decide to share your story. If you’re creating a part of your grief story to share with others while sacrificing your integrity, this is the wrong starting point. 

Loss and grief are multifaceted and deeply personal. Because of this truth, there are multiple things to consider when sharing your grief story.

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• Become clear with yourself about what you want to share. There’s much to love and respect about stories of transforming grief into something meaningful. But if you’re not there yet, that is okay. Take your time. Go at your own pace. 

• Be honest with where you are right now. Doing so will not dilute your grief and can enhance your healing. Each time you are transparent with yourself about the loss, as painful it may be, means healing is taking place. 

• Remember that you don’t have to share everything. It isn’t unusual to conceal a part of your loss. Keeping details surrounding grief and loss are normal. The same goes for the manner of death, hospice, caregiving secrets, or something like a substance abuse.

• Manage others’ expectations. Secrets can be driven by expectations and falling short of the ones you set for yourself or the ones others set for you can fuel secrecy. You may be disappointed that you didn’t return that call or simply “show up”. And being fearful about how others will react to your thoughts about grief and the situation surrounding the loss can lead you to act in a more constricting way. So don’t let others’ expectations send you down an unhealthy path.

• Lean into journaling or writing letters to yourself. Professor Dale G. Larsen writes in his book, The Helper’s Journey: Empathy, Compassion and the Challenge of Caring, “The extensive research on expressive writing suggests that the simple act of writing about our secrets can have a positive effect on our stress levels.” 

• Understand that some people won’t understand your pain. Depending on who you share your grief story with, the person may judge you for how you appear to be coping or provide feedback that isn’t helpful. Infact, it can be hurtful because the person you trusted with your deepest feelings doesn’t seem to care. When I was speaking to a small group of women about my book, I felt like I was getting the “cold shoulder” from one woman. After my talk, this woman walked up to me and said, “Your talk wasn’t worth me missing a kayak trip with my girlfriends.” It stung. After an awkward pause, I mumbled an apology. This taught me to be selective with whom you share about loss. Grief is an imperfect journey and it’s important to carefully choose what and whom you’re share it with.

• Remember that in sharing you may and body may be reliving the trauma, and this can be extremely emotional. You may actually feel gutted and have a physical response. Sharing your story in a safe environment can help ensure you feel both safe and secure. If you know in advance that you plan to share your story, for example, at a support group meeting, it may be wise to schedule your therapy appointment around this date. This can give you the extra support and ability to process any feedback you receive. 

The process of grief isn’t linear. It is personal and layered. Neglecting to properly vet out where and with whom your narrative is told can really impact your grief. Protecting your energy when it comes to sharing your story is one of the best ways to heal. Engage with trusted individuals so you know your story and soul are both safe and secure.

And always remember to be kind and true to yourself.