Ok..I’m just gonna say it… So, here goes…
I once was in an abusive and very toxic relationship. I wasn’t perfect. I got angry and said mean things…But I know I didn’t deserve what happened to me. And I think about it everyday. And I don’t think he does. I would actually bet money that he doesn’t think about it. Even though I have recurring flashbacks of the intense, abusive moments almost every single day.
I didn’t see a way out for awhile. I was caught up in the cycle of apologies and forgiveness. I wanted to be able to love him. But the relentless verbal assaults were exhausting. So much so that I would be driven to collapse into bed for hours with no words left to give to my own voice because all I could hear was his cacophony of the barrage of words that echoed loud and bounced back and forth relentlessly across the lonely rooms of my own head and heart. I became paralyzed. And looking back, I can see that that was his way of manipulation and control. Then, the moments of public humiliation, and then the physical assaults, such as being chased, locked out of my own home while crying on the phone to my father for help, pushed, pinned to the bed and screamed at, having my phone taken and held hostage, screamed at so loud to get out of a moving vehicle that my eardrum burst, being told no one would ever love me if I left him, among other physical examples, became too frequent to withstand. Deep down, I knew I was worth more, despite him drilling into me the exact opposite at times.
I was lost. But I started to listen. To myself. To my inner, most courageous and vulnerable self. And I told Me to run.. run as fast and run as far away as possible. I knew that even though I was scared to be alone and scared of what people would think of me, I had to be free to find a better life. That this was not living. My advice to you reading this letter is to trust your gut and believe in your worth as a beautiful human being. No one deserves abuse and there are others out there who can help you to get out. My only regret is that I wish I had told more people sooner and I wish I had left earlier. I’m thankful to say that I’m finding happiness now and this letter is only a glimmer of what I experienced. But I want you to know that you are not alone, and that If I can leave with my head held high, so can You…
xo Anna
33 Responses
Thank you for sharing your story. I spent 5 years with an abusive man I’m a gay woman that spent years hiding from myself so I could keep my family and got with the first man to pay me attention. Not even a year into the relationship the physical abuse started hospital stays, broken bones the list goes on. I fell pregnant in 2013 and when he found out he beat me so badly I lost the baby but I stayed I was young and thaught I would loose everything I loved. 2015 I fell pregnant again luckily my little girl was born 2016 she came at a point in my life that I just didn’t want to live anymore he moved me away from everything I knew and loved and she was my light in very dark times. I became very depressed and he would hand me tablets and knives and tell me to do it and get it over with. After my daughter was born and people started to come round more ofter the punches had stopped but he found other ways hurt me phisicaly. I was raped on an almost daily basis until I stopped fighting him my daughter was the only thing keeping me going. One day he got up packed his bags and walked away from us he said he was bored of me and left I felt so free and alive for the first time in years. Almost 3 years later I am still free I’m an open and proud lesbian with my family I was afraid to loose still beside me and a beautiful daughter that still keeps me going. I still have moments where my head takes me back to the dark times and I have to fight with myself to bring myself back to the present. I was angry for a very long time until I came to the conclusion that with going through what I did I wouldn’t have my daughter and that is the only thaught I carnt handle
As someone who ran away from abusive parents a few years back, I relate so hard to what happened to you, just in a different way. Thank you so much for this. Even though I’m scared, I want to share some of my own story now.
You just did inspired a lot of people because of your bravery!♥️
Thank you for sharing your Story We are so proud of you babe! Because of the toxic relationship you became a brave girl! Im so happy cause you already find your happiness may your whole year have a full of love and peace we are always here we love you!?
Anna Thank you for sharing your story this help me so much. I just want you to know you are so brave babe! Im so admire you because of the toxic relationship you became a brave girl! You know im so happy that you already find your happiness we are so happy for you we are always here. Sending love
Anna Thank you for sharing your story this help me so much. I just want you to know you are so brave babe! Im so admire you because of the toxic relationship you became a brave girl! You know im so happy that you already find your happiness we are so happy for you we are always here. Sending love
This happened to me. I stepped out of the car that night in the middle of a city I had never been before with him screaming in the background..My gut told me to get out of that car and never go back… Now 8 years later I am married to the love of my life and have my beautiful children… occasionally I think when I look at them “man.. Im so glad I walked out of that car so I could meet you.”
I am so sorry you had to go through that. So deeply sorry. I hope you get the most wonderful things in life, I hope you get the love and caring you deserve. All the love in the world, you beautiful soul. ♥
You’re a brave human being Anna. I’m sending you tons of love ❤️❤️❤️
This is so nice to hear…as simple as saying that sounds. And I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
My last relationship was just a complete mind-f*ck. It was my fault every time something went wrong and my issue when I couldn’t make up my mind, knowing that the second I did it would be a verbal assault of how stupid I was, how bad those decisions I decided to make were. And when it came time for him to end it, he refused to say the words “I’m done with you” outloud which resulted in a series of breakups/get-back-togethers that ruined any self confidence I had. The “I love you and no one else will the same”, “youre damaged and only I can help” or the constant reiteration that anything I said was the final decision about my opinions and personality and anytime I said anything that contradicted that it was a barrage of jokes and insults at my expense and never feeling like someone could ever actually get to know who I was. The SECOND I realized this is what was happening, I said I was done, and made a point to tell him that he always made me the bad person and I am not, and never was. People forget about the after, the further breakdown and having to rebuild yourself. It takes more out of you at first but then you start to see yourself again.
The strength to get up and go takes everything out of you.
I can only hope you have a group that holds you up when you need and cheers you on every step of the way forward. Thank you for sharing <3
I was also in a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. I couldn’t believe I had allowed myself to tolerate it. I even went through with a wedding thinking it would get better and what would people think if I called it off. I finally realized it didn’t matter what anyone would think – my happiness and my mental health were more important. After I did leave I had so many people tell me “good for you, I stayed in mine way too long.” Many of us are strong, educated, and smart and can still find ourselves in this situation. You are not alone and you can get yourself out.
oh Anna this is so sad to hear. I cant imagine how hard you’ve been through, for sure its even harder to recall and share it but thank you for such bravery. I wish you to be stronger and happier to where you are right now.xoxo
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I’m sure you have given courage to many out there and helped them to see they are not alone and that it will get better!
Reading this made me realise I was in a very similar situation. Thankfully, like Anna, I was able to listen to the voice inside me to run and get away. And I’m glad I did. Reading this made me realise how strong we all are.
Stay safe everyone, love and strength to all
Oh anna I’m so, so sorry, that’s terrible. I live you so glad you got out of the relationship❤️
Thanks Anna! Unhealthy and abusive relationships are hard…not sure that we ever “get over” them but we can move on and we can heal. I appreciate you sharing!
Thank you so much for sharing this.?
I was in the same situation. The only difference was I didn’t confront or accept what happened to me until 8 years after we had broken up. I shoved it away, I made excuses, I blamed myself, and I didn’t tell anyone. My sister found bruises and confronted me about them and even tried to tell my family but I pushed her away and told everyone she was lying. I lost her and all my friends because of this relationship and worst of all I believed what he would say to me and completely lost myself too. I believed I was a worthless fat piece of shit that could never be loved by anyone else. I believed him when he said no one else would ever want me. I wasn’t perfect. I started to fight back. I became so lost and weak that I just accepted that what was happening to me was my new normal. When it ended I chose to never think about it again. But the thing is, I haven’t stopped thinking about it for 8 years. It took having a baby and going through postpartum depression to realize how mentally fucked up I really was from it all. I’ve been in therapy, on meds, and finally taking a hold of my life for over a year now and though I still get flashbacks, I still get panic/anxiety attacks, I still believe his words sometimes and I still struggle to find my worth and the strength to keep going everyday, I will keep fighting, I will keep finding myself and keep working on becoming the person I know I can be. For my daughter, but mostly for me. I’m not fixed, but I’m not broken anymore either.
Anna, thank you for sharing your story. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find the right words to even begin conveying how sorry I am for what you went through. You are so brave, so strong, and so damn worth anyone’s time. For him to say you aren’t worth it, that you’ll never be loved by anyone else is about the cruelest thing someone can tell you and I just want you to remember just how false that is. It will NEVER be true. And the same goes for anyone who has ever been told that. You ARE worth the effort, the love, and the time. And you WILL find someone who will go out of their way to remind you of that every single day.
Thank you for your bravery and honesty. This helps me so much.