I was late to the dating game. I had kissed a few boys in middle school and highschool but I didn’t have a boyfriend. I wasn’t asked to prom. I got to college and largely it was more of the same. I started my first full time job at 21 while completing university and it was there I met my first boyfriend. He was overwhelming. He had swagger, he cooked meals, he invited me to a dinner party that ended in a puppet show. I was enamored. I swooned when he cooked breakfast or sent me flirty texts. He was older, he had mentioned to me that he was in therapy twice a week but 21 year old Denise, didn’t fully comprehend that maybe that should be his focus. It ended swiftly, a couple months later, with (surprise!) therapy needing to be the focus and me feeling utterly abandoned.
A year or so later, I met the most magnificent man yet. He was an actor, alarmingly handsome, and intensely soulful. We shared a connection that to this day still feels unparalleled. I was smitten. We spent a month probing each other’s soul when he was promptly cast in a show and left NY. A month later, he was in town for 24 hours and he wanted to see me. I, obviously obliged. To my disappointment, he had met someone, I acquiesced to friendship. Our “friendship” devolved into an emotional relationship, of him writing me poetry, braiding my hair, drinks and discussions of philosophy, long walks around Manhattan which left me feeling unsatisfied because I wanted more. I finally expressed that we had crossed an emotional line, we weren’t being fair to his girlfriend or to me. Flash forward, turns out the whole time I knew him he was never single. I didn’t speak to him for 10 years.
My heartbreak propelled me into the most toxic relationship I’ve had to date. He was a functioning drug addict, emotionally and verbally abusive. There was a night where he had mixed too many drugs and I wasn’t sure if we were going to need to take him to the hospital or not. His shallow breath haunted me. That mixed with extreme mood swings, consistent gaslighting, secrecy, and inability to show love, left me scars that were invisible for some time. I allowed that to go on for a year before deciding I was worth more.
For the next few years, I had a series of stops and starts with men that fit into the unavailable category. They led me to my last boyfriend. I had known him for a couple years through work, he was in a relationship when I met him. 2 years later, he came for me, in the most over the top storybook romance fashion. He was loud in his gestures and admiration for me. Lots of presents, trips, phone calls. He unraveled a few months later professing that he was not ready for this. I was blindsided and furious. I did not set the pace for our whirlwind romance, I was in the passenger seat, he was driving. I could not keep doing this to myself, my heart could not continue to be shattered. I was the common denominator, this was MY pattern and MINE to fix.
I called my friend sobbing, got the name of her therapist, called her sobbing and began my journey to cure my attachment style. Attachment styles are defined in our early development and mine was anxious. Often, anxious and avoidant attachment styles are drawn to each other. I spent the majority of my life finding those avoidants, those unavailable wildly attractive.
Trauma takes time to take hold and reflecting on the microaggressions, emotional manipulation and abuse I endured took some time to heal. What no one tells you about dating is that you don’t know what you don’t know so your experiences are your guidebook and if you start with a subpar relationship, every relationship seems like it’s getting better even if it’s still NOT OK. The shame we feel for loving someone that doesn’t love us only exacerbates the cycle of not feeling good enough.
I’ve come a long way, I’m conscious, continuously rewiring my pattern but I’m secure. I’m no longer waiting to be chosen and I’m certainly walking away from the red flags I see. I used to envy my friends who love seemed easy for. It hasn’t been for me and something I’m still working on but it’s made me very clear on what I’m looking for and how I need to be treated to feel safe.
Whatever you’re going through, whoever you’re with. I hope you ask yourself what YOU want, how YOU want to feel. I hope you are feeling nourished by your relationship. You DESERVE that. You DESERVE someone who can LOVE how you LOVE.
We all do.
xoxo
Denise