Dear friend.
If you’re reading this letter, it’s because you know that life is not always kind to us, and for that I apologize. I don’t know you, or the struggles that you’ve been through that have led you here today, but what I do know is that you are a wonderful person that is so deserving of love and acceptance.
Whatever you may be struggling with currently, please know that you certainly aren’t alone.
While I’m not willing to disclose my name (I feel like it’s unimportant), I’m not afraid to disclose the hard truths about what I’ve been struggling with throughout my lifetime. I’ve been in treatment for almost a decade for PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I’m a proud bisexual woman. In my lifetime, I have survived two sexual assaults, both of which have had major consequences in regards to my relationships with loved ones, namely my parents. I struggle with substance abuse.
I say these things not to evoke pity (that’s the last thing I need), but more to make a point. We all face obstacles in our lives; these are some of mine. Through these experiences, as painful as a lot of them have been, I have learned so much about myself and how the world works.
Here are some of the key takeaways I’ve gathered throughout the years that I hope will help you with whatever you’re currently struggling with.
#1. It’s okay to not be okay
You’re allowed to have bad days. I know it doesn’t feel like it and the expectations that society places on us to be perfect all the time make it difficult, but you’re allowed to have bad days. You’re allowed to not be okay. It sucks, but your feelings are valid. The moment you stop measuring yourself up against others, the easier that the healing process becomes, especially in long term recovery. All that I ask is that you take things day by day, and try your best. Even if your best for the day is staying in bed all day, recognize that that’s okay; you’re allowed to not be okay and to take that time to rest.
#2. We are all a work in progress
Growth takes time. Change takes time. I know it may feel overwhelming how far the future seems, but we are all works in progress. As humans, we spend our whole lives tackling the ups and downs that are thrown at us, and we shape our lives around these events. There is no timeline for these things; they just sort of happen, and sometimes they aren’t always in our control. Just remember that you’re where you need to be right now.
#3. Not all progress is linear
If you’re going to take anything out of this letter, please hold onto this. Not all progress is linear. You don’t just move from A to B; the process of healing is different for everybody. It’s okay to regress. It’s okay to take two steps backward instead of one step forward. It’s okay to feel like you aren’t making any progress at all. It may not feel like it, but these things happen for a reason, and it’s usually because you still need time to process and understand the feelings related to that trauma. And that’s okay. Healing takes time, so take all the time you need.
#4. Don’t minimize your feelings. If it matters to you, it matters. You are the only one that gets to decide how you are feeling.
We tend to minimize our feelings for a number of reasons. Maybe it’s because you feel like someone else has it worse, so you aren’t justified in those feelings. Maybe it’s because you’re trying to protect everyone else’s feelings. Or maybe it’s because you aren’t ready to deal with them yet. Whatever your reasoning, please remember this: if it matters to you, then it matters, and if it’s in regards to something as serious as your mental health, don’t minimize it.
I grew up in a household with an emotionally abusive mother. Whenever I felt anything that wasn’t characterized by her as normal behavior, I was immediately shamed for it. I was constantly called things like “overdramatic” and “attention-seeker” whenever I would get upset over something. There are so many instances in my life that I’ve minimized my feelings because of her voice in the back of my head telling me those things, even as an adult, because I have it ingrained in me that whatever I’m feeling isn’t as bad as I think it is. After my first sexual assault, she told me that I was lying, told me to never speak of it again because I could “ruin his life”, and then grounded me to ensure that I wouldn’t tell anyone. I spent weeks doubting my feelings in regards to this very traumatic event. I was told repeatedly that I made it all up in my head. I was told by many of my friends at the time that “other people have it worse” and to “get over it”. I was even told by my therapist at the time that it had been my fault that the assault happened because I was drinking.
My point? If you have people like that in your life, don’t listen to them. Recognize that YOUR feelings are valid and that they are wrongly projecting their feelings onto you. If you have people in your life who make you feel the need to minimize your feelings, or tell you that what you’re feeling isn’t correct, please know that they are wrong, and what they’re saying has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their insecurities and ignorance and lack of understanding.
YOU are the only person that gets to decide how you are feeling about something because you’re the one experiencing your life and thinking your thoughts and living in your body. If something is hurting you, it’s hurting you, and that’s valid; don’t let anyone try and tell you otherwise. The only way that you’re going to understand and process what you’re going through is if you recognize that your feelings are valid and that they are happening for a reason.
#5. You will get to where you need to be in time; trust the process
I know it feels like a lot right now. Whatever you’re going through right now, whatever you’re struggling with, please remember that it’s not forever. It may feel like it at the time. I know that those feelings are overwhelming. I know that some days it is hard to get out of bed and keep on living. I know that you might feel like you’re stuck in a loop. I’ve been there. Where you want to be may seem so far away, but please, keep on fighting, because it is worth it; YOU are worth it. There’s a quote that I like to keep in mind whenever things get tough (though I have since forgotten who it’s from) and it goes as follows: “You are where you need to be. Just breathe.”
#6. It’s okay not to know
You’re not supposed to know everything. Life is all about learning new things about yourself and the world around you. You’re allowed to change your mind about things as you come into yourself and grow. Society puts so much pressure on people to label themselves, especially in terms of gender and sexuality, and while those may be empowering for some people, it’s okay if it’s not empowering to you. You’re allowed to label yourself, you’re allowed to be unsure, and you’re allowed to reject labels; as long as you’re happy with yourself, it doesn’t matter.
#7. You are stronger than you know
As a little girl, my family used to spend a week on the lake every summer. I would spend hours every day picking up seaglass, infatuated by its beauty. Seaglass is kind of extraordinary if you think about it. It starts out just a broken piece of glass lying on the beach, something that someone has carelessly tossed aside. And then the tide pulls it inward and for months it’s at the mercy of the waves until it’s smoothed out into something beautiful. I’ve always equated humans to seaglass; it’s a good example that even the most ugly and broken parts of something can turn into something beautiful over time.
It may not feel like it, especially at your low points, but you are so much stronger than you know. Even on your worst days, you are so strong for continuing to fight through it and be here. Whatever you’re dealing with right now, please know that you are going to come out stronger because of it.
#8. Your trauma does not define you but how you choose to react to it does
I know that whatever you’re dealing with might feel like the end all be all. I know that it can feel all-consuming. I know that it’s hard to look past your trauma, because it feels like it’s written all over your forehead most of the time, especially in the beginning, when it’s still fresh. It feels impossible to forget about these things, because they impact our lives in such a profound way that it’s hard to remember that it’s not permanent.
How we process things and how we learn to live with them are unique to each individual. Please remember that you are more than your trauma. You are more than your rock bottom. You are more than those feelings of hurt and shame and guilt and self-hatred. You are more than what the voice in the back of your head keeps telling you.
Your trauma will always be a piece of you, and it’s not always easy to learn to live with that pain and carry it around, but it please know that it doesn’t define you; YOU define you.
#9. Life is full of blessings and lessons
People walk in and out of our lives for a reason; it’s a given. We meet so many people throughout our lives that it’s unavoidable. It’s hard to lose people you love. It’s hard when you lose that image of someone that you really cared about. I’ve lost a lot of relationships with people that I’ve really loved and cared about due to circumstances both in and out of my control. I’ve lost a lot of people that I considered to be close friends. There was a month that I thought I lost my entire family because they didn’t talk to me after I had a falling out with my parents over my assault. My rapist was one of my best friends for four years of my life. He was the person that I would have least expected to hurt me in that way, but he still did. I beat myself up over most of these endings for a long time (in all honesty, sometimes, I still do), because in hindsight, there were so many red flags that I either ignored or didn’t notice.
So many people will come in and out of your life for so many different reasons, but I think it can be mostly narrowed down into two categories; blessings and lessons. There will be people that come into your life and make you feel whole again. They will make you feel loved and validated and supported. They will laugh with you on your best days and cry with you on your worst. And on the flip side, there will be people that come into your life that end up leaving you worse than they found you.
Take these experiences and carry them with you through life. Recognize that you can’t change how people are and that you’re not responsible for their actions, but that you are responsible for yours. Learn from your mistakes when applicable. And most importantly, be thankful for all of them, even the ones that hurt the most; these relationships help you to grow into who you’re meant to be and teach you so many lessons about yourself.
#10. Not everyone will have the same heart as you. Love them anyways
Being vulnerable is scary sometimes; I get it. I have a really hard time opening up most of the time, too. It’s scary putting your feelings on the line, especially when you’ve been hurt in the worst ways by people that you loved and trusted. You’re allowed to be cautious. You’re allowed to have reservations. But don’t let it isolate you from the world. When you shut everyone out, you’re letting your abusers win. You are letting the people that hurt you win.
You’re not meant to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone. I know that you’re hurting, but don’t push away the people that care about you. You will need their love and support. Recovery of any kind only works if you have a stable support system. If you feel like there is no one that you can trust and no one that cares about you, please know that that isn’t true. You aren’t alone and you matter to someone. More realistically, a lot of someones. You matter to so many people and you probably don’t even know how much of an impact you’re making on their lives.
There are so many amazing people out there that you haven’t had the chance to meet yet that are going to make such a big impact on your life and your growth as a person; don’t be afraid to let them in. Life is short, and you deserve to love and be loved. Love openly, freely, and unabashedly.
It may seem impossible right now, but believe me when I say it gets better.
If you would’ve told me four years ago that I would have a life filled with so many wonderful people that care about me and validate my feelings, that I’m at a place where I am happy and thriving and doing what I love, that I have things in the future to look forward to, I wouldn’t have believed you. Hell, if you would’ve told me this last year, I probably wouldn’t have believed it. And yeah, I still have my bad days, just like everyone else, but I’m lucky enough to have had more good days than bad ones so far.
Life has a crazy way of making things messy and complicated, and sometimes, it can be so hard to trust that everything will work out in the end. But you’ve got to. Because you are worth it. Because you deserve all the love and happiness that life has to offer.
So chin up darling, good things are coming.