If you’re not satisfied with your relationship with your parents, this one’s for you.
Let me start off by saying I am grateful. If it wasn’t for my parents I wouldn’t be who I am today- a strong, determined, empowered & faithful wife who searches for truth & lets Love be her guide.
Well, on a good day… which can last 24 hours, a few days, maybe a week… I don’t remember a full month where I’ve felt “normal” actually. I have had anxiety and depression since I was 13 at least, but I was a very vigilant child who didn’t really fit in. I always grew up not really being part of cliques, befriending anyone who would come my way which included some emo kids & having to live a double life due to strict parents which left me feeling like a part of me was a lie. I used to be so confident but once I got married those insecurities crept in.. the feeling of never being good enough, being wrong, someone being mad at you.
Overreactions & yelling was common in my house, which would make you so uncomfortable your skin would crawl. But that was my norm! So when I got married before I was even 21, I was completely unaware of the effects growing up in that manipulative environment had caused.
I grew up in a “perfect” household to outsiders but behind closed doors was a different scene. My parents went no contact with my mom’s entire family for reasons unknown when I was in elementary school. They never communicated, never told us what happened, we were just shunned. It was all emotion, no logic. Never an answer to a “why” growing up, so through my teenage years I learned to figure out my truth by gaining the full perspective through listening to friends & their parents- and of course, music.
Anyway so growing up in that pseudo perfect environment and getting married at a young age, I had NO idea of self awareness (although I was interested in psychology & knew I suffered from anxiety and depression.)
I had only reached the surface of finding myself when I turned 20. Finding the real me took 4 years of marriage & having the weirdest most tense relationship with my parents to finally try to make a change. I knew if I tried and was denied, I would be able to break the cycle and find healing in forgiving their hardened hearts.
After my brother had a mental breakdown ending in a psychiatric ward a few years ago, my parents blamed me that he was drunk (mind you we rarely hang out and he had been texting us very unsettling things randomly every few weeks & nobody showed concern besides me trying to spend more time at his place) and that’s when I decided I needed to break free.
Continuous conspiracies about me and questioning of my character, bringing up my shitty past as a troubled teen (i smoked cigarettes and drank, wasn’t a wild partier) almost 10 years later and still holding things against me.
So I decided to set up a dinner date with my dad, during dinner I opened up and told him I think we all need to go to counseling either together or separately and he told me he “didn’t want to open Pandora’s box” with my mother. Told me how rebellious I was a teen & that’s why they were so strict & controlling & dinner was over.
Fast forward a few months later my brother’s partner broke up with him the day before thanksgiving. I let him stay at my place at 1am I drove over and got his stuff & we go to my parents house together for thanksgiving the next day. Bro was being all negative, I wanted to be positive so I open up & tell them I’ve found my estranged cousin and they flipped out on me because that was forbidden- no contact with anyone from that side of the family.
An insane fight ensues & I have a panic attack & black out in the bathroom. My brother leaves my parents house with me angry at them too. Next day he starts speaking manic in circles like a few months before & I had to call for help because he was getting aggressive after almost a week of trying to help him manage the breakup & our childhood dog dying he just got to be too much, he wouldn’t even eat without me cooking for him. the social workers were great and got him the help he needed at the same ward as before.
He wished that the ward didn’t contact my parents since he is an adult, but after a few weeks I had to let my parents know because he didn’t want to live at my house & didn’t have a job or much in savings. I let them know the situation and told them I believed this psychological reaction was a trauma response and hinted at perfectionism and stress overload being added factors. I also set a boundary with them that if I don’t respond to a text or phone call I am unavailable and it’s not okay to send 10 additional texts especially if not an emergency.
Months go by and I posted a meme joking about a parent not respecting boundaries and my brother legit tattled on me LOL This turned into all 3 of them separately text attacking me (bro lives with my parents now)until I ended it with a group chat apologizing about posting it on my private account (i have 15 followers on that twitter lol) and setting a boundary that they can only email me until I see genuine care coming from them.
My dad responded snarky almost immediately in email. So I finally released it all. I told them how it was uncomfortable living in a house of chaos and negativity all the time, such lack of trust etc really made insecure children & that’s why brother is going through this shock mode right now. Luckily I have always fought the brainwashing and although still naive, I could see through their narcissistic tendencies growing up.
I set the boundary of going to group or one on one counseling or I would not be in their lives & it’s been 5 months without them now. My mom sent a message back over a month later saying i was melancholy as a child (yes diagnosed with depression as a teen!) and she could agree to disagree on everything I said. I never responded.
I took that response as my closure & hope someday they will recognize how intelligent, brave & how much of a fighter I am. I fight for my mental health every day I choose to get out of bed. I asked for a real relationship involving trust with my parents and they denied that. I am choosing to break the cycle of anger, resentment and negativity & will not feel guilty for doing what’s best for myself and my mental health. You aren’t a bad person for not getting along with your parents or family member, whether psychologically abusive or physically abusive. They will gaslight you and make you feel so small. That is when you stand TALL & fight them back with your truth. They know deep down their actions are wrong and whether they choose to grow or not is up to them- what you choose to do when it’s unhealthy to be around them is up to you 🙂
Thanks for reading my story. We have the power to heal, it’s within us. Gotta give yourself a lot of grace & understanding every day. Sending love xoxo