I hold precious space for emotions that are talked about less than others. They’re often my favorite to explore as an actor because then I have a safe place to work through my own baggage. To that end:
We don’t talk about envy enough.
There are articles, sure—I just read a pretty good one about Quarantine envy—but in my daily exchanges if someone says, “I’m so jealous,” I follow it up with some self-depreciating joke about how fill-in-the-blank is not actually that great. Which is often bull****. I’m probably super happy in that moment, and minimizing the discomfort or envy of other people does my happiness and their growth a disservice. Social niceties are weird.
So, in the last little while, I’ve really begun to examine my own feelings of jealousy. I know it’s one thing to know something logically & still have a difficult time processing it emotionally. Trust me…my body loves a mental and emotional deep dive. Still, these questions move me through both a lot faster.
- What is it specifically that sparked this feeling? What is the thing, emotion, or quality this person appears to have that you want for yourself?
- Is this actually a dream or goal of yours? Has societal messaging or the status quo temporarily abducted your beautiful brain?
- If the envy is visceral, what action steps can you take towards making your dream a reality?
- If you think your dream is impossible, why? How can you work towards both believing in yourself AND learning to ask for help?
- If it’s societal messaging, how can you shield or protect yourself while you’re temporarily feeling more vulnerable to the messaging?
Lissen…I know #4 is another exploration all to itself. Building true confidence and being incredibly resourceful in an increasingly scarce society should be taught in schools imo.
On jealousy itself, I find that once I can pinpoint the exact trigger, I’m able to push past those feelings a little more efficiently. Like most emotions, it’s usually also a cover for something else that needs to be addressed. *Coughs in procrastination*
Besides, it’s beyond perfectly normal & understandable. We’re in a moment where it’s becoming more and more impossible to decipher what’s real and what’s not in the lives of other people. It’s also become harder to hear our own inner-voice and instincts. Time after time, when I give myself the gift of silence, the voice inside me says:
That’s not your dream, De. There are only green lights ahead if you stay true to your path.
Regards,
DeWanda Wise
4 Responses
There’s a lot of wisdom in what you said, Dewanda Wise, indeed…wise! Not surprised though, watched some of your interviews, you’re really a woman of substance, but I deeply appreciate this vulnerable letter, very vulnerable yet full of wisdom.
One of the many insights that hit me is that “Building true confidence and being incredibly resourceful in an increasingly scarce society should be taught in schools”. I totally agree with this. As a teacher myself, I can tell that a lot of students struggle with their confidence, it’s very superficial and they bank on whatever the social media world dictates, not enabling themselves to find their true identity hence confidence. And they should not be blamed with this. We are all victims of the society’s dictates. Also yes, scarcity is felt now more than ever so people should really learn to be resourceful, and if it wouldn’t start to be taught at home, then it should be the responsibility of educational institutions as well. Envy creeps in slowly and one day we’re just surprised it goes out of hand and sucks the joy out of us. So I think knowing oneself, having an examined life would help us overcome envy before it worsens and eats us.
Looking forward to meet you and Brit someday, in my wildest dreams! Thank you for this wisdom-filled letter! much love!
Thank you for sharing this, this is very well put, and I couldn’t agree more.
Jealousy is something that I’ve struggled with the past couple years, where I’ve felt like my life hasn’t been going the way that I want it to. It’s especially hard to see people you know, people you don’t, celebrities, etc. On social media and how “amazing” their lives look! When you feel like your own isn’t that great. It can be depressing and hard to deal with. I found myself, more than once, just feeling so sad and depressed about my own life after a long session on social media.
I finally realized that I needed to stop, because it wasn’t improving or helping my situation. Of course, “the grass always looks greener on the other side” but I had to remind myself that not everything is as it seems. Those people who may look like they have it all, may be going through similar situations as myself or worse, they may look happy in pictures but in reality they may be depressed or struggling just as I am. You can’t judge a book by its cover.
So I decided to take some time off of social media, just give myself a break every now and then because it can suck you in! Instead of just following celebrities and friends and people I grew up with, I started following inspirational platforms, people that inspired me, and it has helped me tremendously! It has helped me to want to water my own grass and work on myself and grow as an individual rather than constantly comparing my life to others.
It helped me come to the realization that, my life’s not perfect, and it never will be. But NO ONE’S life is perfect, everyone is struggling with something behind closed doors. Focus on your own life and watering your own grass than just comparing your life to others. You are in charge of your own life, and your happiness depends on you! You don’t “find” the happiness you have to make it! Your grass can be as green as YOU want it to be!
Jealousy is a waste of your own time. It’ll only bring you down. It’s not worth it, and you’ll spend too much of your precious time comparing your life to others when you could actually living your own!
Hi My name is negar and I’m not interested in talk about my life, but i just want to say you worth it. I know probably its not mean to you a lot, but read it again. YOU WORTH IT. You are amazing. You have lots of things to do for future. You are talented, beautiful, smart, literary wonderful! If you haven’t hear it recently, I’ll tell you.I LOVE YOU.
Thank you for sharing this DeWanda, I would agree with you. I think there isn’t nearly enough emphasise on the lesser-talked-about emotions, jealousy and envy being prime examples. I think social media has reached a stage where people let bitterness determine their words and actions, and as a result, they allow it to be used negatively with the intentions of hurting someone else. It really upsets me when people abuse the power of social media in that way, because to hurt someone else for having something you don’t, and then tearing them down because of it, I happen to think it is extremely cowardly and also bullying. The thing is, I watched a very beautiful video I highly recommend “Before You Feel Pressure, by Jay Shetty”, which to sum up, he explains that things happen at different times for different people, and it serves as a reminder that everyone is different, and you just need to focus on yourself and not compare yourself to others. all the best